Sometimes I say the wrong thing. I know that we all do it sometimes, but it really sucks when it happens. I was talking to a good friend who I am pretty sure that I upset and I was not trying to. I got the Facebook version of hanging up, a disconnect. It seems that life is so rough and unfair at times. She is a great person, expecting a baby, and yet life seems to be giving her the finger. I wish I could help, but it seems that I may have only made things worse. I also wish she lived closer because it's kind of hard being a good friend when you live 9 hours away.
Sometimes I wish I didn't care as much as I do. It's my curse you see. Only those closest to me sees this, as they are the only ones who see me deal with the emotional pain of caring too much. I want to save everyone and make life better for them, but I cannot. I am only one person. I know some may wonder how you can care too much, but my friends or my friends friends pain keeps me up at night. I cry for those who are hurting and I do what I can to try and fix it.
I also carry the curse of remembering all the bad memories like a picture. Even to this day I can I remember clearly the day, the hour, the minute my grandmother passed away, and it haunts me. I know it may be silly to say but my greatest fear is death, not only mine but those close to me. I know as I age those in my family age too and I'm not ready to lose some of my older family members, but I know that I cannot expect them to live forever. Sometimes I hate the fact that we lived so far from my dad's side of the family. I feel like I did not get the time with them that I would have liked and I was too young to remember some of the memories of the times we did spend together.
I guess that all of these thoughts are just flooding my mind because Laura and I will be having our first baby in four months and I want Nicholas to meet the amazing family I have, but I worry that he will not be of the age to really remember them. Its just hard to travel between everyone and live life. Then when I think about Nicholas I further wonder about the baby I plan to carry in a few years, who will this baby remember? It's not that I plan on anyone passing away, but you just never know. It happens. It's life, and it's the part that scares me more than anything else.
No matter what haunts me or my fears I know that I cannot let them bring me down. I will live the life I want and I will teach my children, to be happy and live. I will try to give them as much time with all of their family as I humanly can. I will also have my future hobby farm and will try to introduce them to a little bit more of a simple life. I won't keep them away from technology or the advancements of the world but in my life missing on the simple things haunt me more that a technological device that I did not have. To achieve happiness in my life I know will come from following my dreams and helping those around especially my children to do the same.
Ok I know that this was a long winded passage but sometimes I need to dump. It happens and I never try to stop it; so read, scan, or don't whatever you choose does not hurt me.
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